On the school front, term's ended as badly as it began. It's lucky my mum can't read. I mean, lucky because of my school report ... If there's one thing that gets on my nerves, it's teachers competing to write the most original comment about a student. Result: they all end up sounding moronic. The worst I ever got was from Nadine Benbarchiche, our physics and chemistry teacher, who wrote: 'Distressing, a lost cause, the kind of student who makes you want to resign or commit suicide.' I guess she thought she was being funny. But I'm telling you, she was out of order. Yeah OK, so I'm a no-hoper, but she went too far. Anyway, why would I care about what she thinks? She wears a thong.